I Know Who I Am Not

Forever Evolving

How am I not myself?

In the movie “I Heart Huckabees” there is a scene where a team of Existential Detectives repeatedly asked the question above to a character named Brad. It prompted Brad to consider the question during his day and eventually brought him to vomit on himself during a work meeting because he was literally sick of the person he was trying to be. The person he realized he wasn’t happy with.

This made me think about who I am, and how I spent so much of my energy being, and thinking, and doing, and living a life that I thought was best for me. A life I was told was best for me. A life I saw on T.V. A life I experienced from watching others. And again and again, I asked myself that question:


How am I not myself?

I imitated what I saw and what I gathered was attractive, popular, and meant success.

How am I not myself?

My values were suppressed and molded into what other people valued.

How am I not myself?

It became painful for me to be in social spaces because I was trying so hard to identify with and be accepted by others.


This is a great place to start when evolving. Because we are all sponges taking in everything we experience without truly identifying what it is and who it is we genuinely are.

So, if ever you feel as though you’re losing yourself;

1. Take a seat

2. Light a candle or two

3. Grab some paper and a pen, and take some notes.

4. Write down everything you did or said today that answers the question: How am I not myself?

What are the situations and examples you wrote down?

Now, determine which of those elements you need to stop doing/saying. And if you have things you simply cannot avoid; how can you alter them in a way that aligns with who you truly are?

I will warn you that this process may put you in foreign and uncomfortable situations. On one hand, many of us are not generally prepared to face life in these opposing ways. Instead, we are raised in these systems without the option to investigate different ways of living. And on the other hand, people are simply not prepared for us to oppose. Brad spent his whole career retelling the same ‘Shania Twain story’ to his corporate colleagues to make him look as if he was witty, funny, smart, and friendly. But, when he recognized how often he wasn’t being himself, he decided the story was a part of his life that he had to do away with. So, when asked to recite it again, he refused. And his peers reacted in painfully awkward ways.

Please, don’t let this deter you from making these changes.

I have encountered these situations when stopping myself from acting ways that no longer identify as the person I am. They are uncomfortable positions but are also enlightening and empowering. It’s a way of taking back your life. It puts us on the path to true self-awareness.

People will always have opinions about who you should be and will hold you accountable to that, but very few will encourage you to be who you ARE.

I encourage you to discover that person. Fearlessly BE that person. And continue to ask yourself “How am I not myself?”.

With Light,


2 thoughts on “I Know Who I Am Not

  1. Jus Me says:

    Hi again. Before I begin I just want to say that I LOVE that saying on top of your page “NORMALITY IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE”. This is so TRUE and I wish that all living human beings can wake up every morning and see this on their walls, say this to themselves out loud, sing it in the shower, where it on their clothes, eat and breathe those words.

    As human beings, no matter the color, religion, rich or poor, or what side of the world you’re from, we all have gone through the same things/changes/thoughts in life as we’re going through life. Ex. ALL babies fall when first trying to walk. My point is that we all at some point and time in our life as we are growing we all try to do things to try to fit in or be “down” or popular like others. Even the so called “popular” people had to act or be a certain way to become “popular” and have to continue to acting to stay popular. So during those times no, we are not our selves. However as we grow older and wiser we then check ourselves and realize these things and we start becoming who we want to be for us and not what people say or think we should be. Some people feel they have to stay being not themselves and people pleaser for whatever their reasons are and I can almost guarantee that, at the end of the day when they are alone they know they are not happy and are miserable.

    So to those who may read this, Be Yourself, Be Who You Want To Be, For You and Only You. You Will Be & Feel So Free & Most Of All You Will Sleep Good At Night And Live Longer.

    The people in this world will ALWAYS JUDGE. That’s their life, don’t let it be your life.


    • peaceloveeffey says:

      Thank you so much for that last addition! It is so true that when others judge us, it is a reflection of themselves and their thoughts and have nothing to do with us at all.

      And I also really appreciate that you added the concept of growing older and wiser. This is why I have genuinely been accepting every day, every month, every year as new beginnings. And with every new day, month and year, I grow wiser and grow more into myself, and am stripping myself of the systems of the world asking myself, “Is this what I believe?” As people become more and more unhappy with who thy may be pretending to be, i’d hope that they eventually come to terms with what is happening and can change directions before it’s too late. Before they don’t have the chance to experience life as themselves.

      I am forever grateful for your notes! Thank you for always reading and communicating and being a part of this journey ❤

      With Light,



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